reasons

i forgot to mention one of the primary reasons why my heart has been fluttering and it's proof i need to get as far away from the mother from hell- i notice my heart fluttering when or after i'm talking to my mom on the phone. which is also a reason why i try to avoid communicating with her (i don't call her). i'm pretty sure i remember telling a nurse in the emergency room that i just got done talking to my mom before i started to feel my heart beating irregularly.
i had ics today and he helped me print off some information to nearby grocery stores in the boston area since we're not exactly sure of the apartment i'll be living in- so we don't know exactly where the nearest one is yet. zen told me he'd make a book of resources when i move there but zen doesn't work here anymore and it always seems like i gotta take housing offers in boston right away and be more proactive about it- or they'll give the apartment to someone else. so i'm trying to be on top of my shit before they slide another offer under my eyes and expect me to take it right away.
i was also thinking about the cognitive test i last took and failed- so i can't drive anymore. i remember taking a few of these before this recent one i failed and i passed them- so i could get my permit. well, i wonder if one of the reasons why i failed it this time was because i haven't been doing my own laundry lately (the supervisor of this program said to me a few weeks ago, "stacy.. you know.. you don't have to take out the garbage by yourself- fredrick gets paid to do that kinda stuff.." she must've got taking my garbage out myself mixed up with doing my own laundry (because the other week, i was washing my clothes and the dryer on this floor is broken- so i needed zen's help to take it upstairs to the dryer..). i passed my cognitive test when i was washing my own clothes when i lived in burnsville where they had accessible washers and dryers.. it's a bit more difficult here- so i haven't been doing my own laundry because it's not as accessible and the dryer wasn't working on THIS floor after i had washed my clothes.. so that's another difficulty because i have trouble hauling wet clothes all the way upstairs to the dryers and WE DON'T HAVE AN ELEVATOR IN THIS PARTICULAR APARTMENT.. so that just makes it more difficult physically for me. i remember back when i first moved here- the case manager i had at the time had told me that i wouldn't be staying here that long because i should get an apartment in boston quickly- since they were telling me that my name had come up on the waiting list. it was nice to actually have a case manager who was willing to help me with MY goals. then he got another job and i got a different case manager.. i think i've had at least 3 since i had him since i change case managers more than i change my panties. so really I am ALL i got. i'm the only one who will get myself outta this OPPORTUNITY-LESS STATE. i'm NOT just mindlessly attending some ridiculous excuse of a "rehab facility" JUST SO I CAN MAKE IT LOOK LIKE PEOPLE ACTUALLY GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME. right amanda and mom? THIS IS MY LIFE. NO WONDER WHY I HAVE PTSD BECAUSE OF YOU. i never was diagnosed with ptsd when my grandma was alive and i remember them testing me NUMEROUS TIMES for it at gillette. JOE IS HONESTLY THE ONLY FAMILY MEMBER WHO HAS ACTUALLY MADE AN EFFORT TO SUPPORT ME BECAUSE HE DOESN'T VIEW ME AS INCONVENIENT. family members who ACTUALLY care about their family members show support and care for their family members even when they DON'T have the same views and goals. SO THE FASTER I'M FAR AWAY FROM THE FAMILY FROM HELL (EXCEPT JOE)- THE BETTER I'LL BE. HONESTLY.